‘I would love to marry you’, he typed slowly, then looked up at me. I watched him as he sat back, smiling into Skype.
I really believed that I had found someone solid and true. I believed that I would share my amazing life with him. Breathing in his warm exhaled air, I believed that here at last was someone who was ready for me. It felt so easy, so certain and safe.
Silly me.
What happened
I put my trust in him and he turned out to be someone who makes and breaks promises as if they matter not at all. He must have decided that he didn’t want to explore life with me, but he didn’t tell me this. Things finally ended without a shred of truth or kindness or respect.
The ending took a long time though, because he would reach out with pleas and promises, with vulnerability and regrets, and I would think, ‘he will step up now and make this right’. I had committed to my half of the deal – believing in this and making it work – so I was understanding and caring and forgiving, and each time he would take this crush me with it further.
What it did to me
Betrayal cuts deep.
I was left angry at the world. I was left not believing in people, rightly questioning my ability to judge character, and not trusting those I care about to care about me. I was left outraged that anyone could think that my feelings matter so little.
And I didn't just have to say goodbye to him. I had to say goodbye to the future I'd been promised and the plans I'd made and the dreams I'd had and it was not easy to make the shift back to who I’d been before all these. I was knocked into a very dark place, and I took a lot of profound anger there with me.
What is forgiveness
I would love to become one of those people who exude warmth and compassion, who have somehow used their life experience only to add to this. I don’t know how people do this though, and I am terrified of becoming someone quite the opposite. So, in searching for a way to release the bitterness, I thought hard about the concept of forgiveness.
I deserved nothing of how I was treated, and it’s not easy to let go when you’ve been fundamentally wronged. There have been very angry versions of this blog. I still at times have waves of disgust that weaken the knees.
But no one ever gets to the end of their life and thinks, ‘I wish I stayed angry longer.’ I wanted to try to forgive because I wanted to feel better, and because I believe the wise words that claim ‘freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you’.
The problem was, I’m not sure I really understand the concept of forgiveness. I wouldn’t accept or excuse, and I couldn’t pretend not to care. But I did notice when I first felt compassion instead of anger (it is so true that only hurt people hurt people), and I have tried hard to just let it all go.
What about you
I have two requests of you in relation to all this.
1. Be responsible. We all choose whether or not to be loving, whether or not to be kind. We make these choices every day, all the time. And they really matter. Make them responsibly.
2. Be accountable. We are all accountable for our own actions and for their impact, but society also has a role in holding individuals to account. We collectively set standards of acceptable behaviour – this is what society does. We need to collectively uphold these standards too. This means that it is actually your business if someone you know acts out of line. Call them out on it.
And what about me
Please don’t tell me ‘you deserve better’ (that should be obvious) and please don’t tell me ‘you’ll find someone better’ (not everyone does). I experienced a major disappointment, and life gave me one more scar to live with, and that’s that.
I hope I can still believe that things that feel too good to be true don’t have to be so. I really hope I am able to remain openhearted. And I am grateful that my heart feels everything that it feels; it means it still works.
I really believed that I had found someone solid and true. I believed that I would share my amazing life with him. Breathing in his warm exhaled air, I believed that here at last was someone who was ready for me. It felt so easy, so certain and safe.
Silly me.
What happened
I put my trust in him and he turned out to be someone who makes and breaks promises as if they matter not at all. He must have decided that he didn’t want to explore life with me, but he didn’t tell me this. Things finally ended without a shred of truth or kindness or respect.
The ending took a long time though, because he would reach out with pleas and promises, with vulnerability and regrets, and I would think, ‘he will step up now and make this right’. I had committed to my half of the deal – believing in this and making it work – so I was understanding and caring and forgiving, and each time he would take this crush me with it further.
What it did to me
Betrayal cuts deep.
I was left angry at the world. I was left not believing in people, rightly questioning my ability to judge character, and not trusting those I care about to care about me. I was left outraged that anyone could think that my feelings matter so little.
And I didn't just have to say goodbye to him. I had to say goodbye to the future I'd been promised and the plans I'd made and the dreams I'd had and it was not easy to make the shift back to who I’d been before all these. I was knocked into a very dark place, and I took a lot of profound anger there with me.
What is forgiveness
I would love to become one of those people who exude warmth and compassion, who have somehow used their life experience only to add to this. I don’t know how people do this though, and I am terrified of becoming someone quite the opposite. So, in searching for a way to release the bitterness, I thought hard about the concept of forgiveness.
I deserved nothing of how I was treated, and it’s not easy to let go when you’ve been fundamentally wronged. There have been very angry versions of this blog. I still at times have waves of disgust that weaken the knees.
But no one ever gets to the end of their life and thinks, ‘I wish I stayed angry longer.’ I wanted to try to forgive because I wanted to feel better, and because I believe the wise words that claim ‘freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you’.
The problem was, I’m not sure I really understand the concept of forgiveness. I wouldn’t accept or excuse, and I couldn’t pretend not to care. But I did notice when I first felt compassion instead of anger (it is so true that only hurt people hurt people), and I have tried hard to just let it all go.
What about you
I have two requests of you in relation to all this.
1. Be responsible. We all choose whether or not to be loving, whether or not to be kind. We make these choices every day, all the time. And they really matter. Make them responsibly.
2. Be accountable. We are all accountable for our own actions and for their impact, but society also has a role in holding individuals to account. We collectively set standards of acceptable behaviour – this is what society does. We need to collectively uphold these standards too. This means that it is actually your business if someone you know acts out of line. Call them out on it.
And what about me
Please don’t tell me ‘you deserve better’ (that should be obvious) and please don’t tell me ‘you’ll find someone better’ (not everyone does). I experienced a major disappointment, and life gave me one more scar to live with, and that’s that.
I hope I can still believe that things that feel too good to be true don’t have to be so. I really hope I am able to remain openhearted. And I am grateful that my heart feels everything that it feels; it means it still works.
Some people will think it strange that I write so publically about something so private. But this tale feels so much more manageable and somehow mine after I have taken it and typed it and told it.